


A Mess He Don't Wanna Clean Up

by mulhdrv



Category: Saw (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fiona Apple hit too hard, hopeless yearning, is this forbidden? i don't know it probably is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:41:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28508355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mulhdrv/pseuds/mulhdrv
Summary: Amanda, doves and Lawrence Gordon.
Relationships: Amanda Young / Lawrence Gordon, Lawrence Gordon & Amanda Young
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9
Collections: The Misadventures of Amanda Young





	A Mess He Don't Wanna Clean Up

**Author's Note:**

> this is just very short and it's inspired by Paper Bag by Fiona Apple which just screams AMANDA YOUNG and yeah... also uses the dove thing that happened to Fiona Apple that led to her writing Paper Bag
> 
> also no i didn't edit this so pls bear with how shitty it is ahgdhasdha

When Amanda Young was 14, she once chased a dove as it flew high above her through the downtown area. Amidst smoke from belching vehicles and the usual crowded streets, Amanda never took her eyes off the dove. This dove on the other hand continued its journey, until it found its way into a quiet park and dropped straight down on the ground. Amanda found herself letting out a small cry of anguish as she rushed towards the thing she really thought was a dove. Her thoughts were racing fast, _“Was it hurt? Was it dead? Did it die because it knew the only choice it had to get away from her was through death?”_

Amanda’s eyes began to water as she got closer to the dove that dropped dead in the middle of the park. Stopping right in front of it, Amanda then got to her knees and took it in her hands. To cradle towards her chest. She finally saw how it looked like. Although it wasn’t what she really thought it was. It wasn’t a dove at all. It was just a plastic bag. Her eyes still hadn’t adjust to the city’s smog that she mistaken a piece of white plastic floating high as a dove. And yet still, Amanda held it in her hands, carefully. She, at 14 years of age, somehow felt that the plastic bag would symbolize something later in her life.

And it did. This certain memory of Amanda’s childhood quickly rushed over her as she stared at the sleeping figure beside her bed. Listening to his quite unusual breathing. Leaning in close, Amanda tried to listen for his heartbeat. She couldn’t hear it. So she got up, put on the white undershirt from the floor and made her way to the window, the soft glow of the motel’s neon sign filled the room as Amanda moved the curtains to the side. It was raining outside and she was in a motel room with a man she wasn’t supposed to be with. A married man.

_Not for long anyways_ , said the unsigned divorce papers inside the yellow envelope on top of the bedside table.

Amanda took a deep breath as she traced an invisible _Larry_ on the window before her. She felt like a teenager again. Giddy and desperate over a crush. This wasn’t how Amanda envisioned her life to go. She once felt the same amount of giddy and desperate when she was 16 over a man who was really just a boy and the result was probably sitting in a room inside John Kramer’s hideout, assisting the older man with his new twisted game.

A soft grunt came from behind Amanda, making her turn around fast, only to see Lawrence turn his body towards her, still asleep. His face now bathed in blue and golden light from the sign outside. The blond haired doctor looked so handsome that Amanda found herself daydreaming of him being Sebastian’s father and them and Sebastian as a family in those white picket fenced homes with a backyard of clean cut grass and flowers. That American dream that simply just doesn’t exist. A sweet fix of her usual daydreamed relationship.

Amanda turned her face back to the window and stared at a car as it drove off from the motel. She tried to ignore that off feeling of her having this secret relationship with Lawrence. Was she only good enough as a secret? All her life, she felt as if the world was ashamed of her. Amanda felt ashamed of herself. And she began to feel ashamed of what she and Lawrence just did.

But then the memory of the dove came back to her again. Amanda who believed in symbols and the plastic bag that looked like a dove, she then remembered what she felt that very moment.

 _Hope_. Hope in where there was none to be found. It’s what it was, the idea of desperate hope which most of the time can only lead to disappointment.

There’s another sound that came from Lawrence again. Only this time, it was coherent.

“Amanda?”

Amanda didn’t turn around this time but only made a soft humming noise in return.

“What are you doing there?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Come back to bed.” Lawrence said. Amanda took a glance behind her and saw Lawrence patting the empty side of the bed playfully. He has a smile etched on his face. Amanda’s heart began to beat fast. She knew this day was coming and she was welcoming it with open arms. A dove flew pass by Amanda and towards Lawrence. The dove. _Hope_...

“I love you.” Amanda blurted out as she fully faced him. This confession was greeted with silence. More silence. The dove flapped its wings in silence. Just the faint sound of the rain outside. Lawrence had stopped his patting motion and was just staring at her, wide-eyed. Amanda felt the world shift on its axis and the ground shaking, the earth ready to swallow her whole. Should she say something? _Oh God,_ she thought, _OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod–_

Lawrence cut through the tension with a sharp sword, “You don’t mean that.”

The invisible sword swung fast and cuts the dove up above Lawrence. As it died, it turned back into the plastic bag from Amanda’s memory.

“I do.”

“No you don’t,” Lawrence insisted, “Just because we spend one night together–”

A sharp intake of breath. A stake through the heart. He doesn’t understand.

Tears were threatening to come up Amanda’s eyes. One did escape from the corner of her eye. Amanda pretended it didn’t and stood her ground. Lawrence noticed the tear and began to regret what he just said. He didn’t mean to make her cry. This wasn’t how he envisioned his night to go. He just wanted to spend it with her with no strings attached. But there were too many strings. Ones he wasn’t sure he wanted to cut off too.

“Amanda... Just.... Lie back down here with me... I want to hold you. I _need_ to hold you... Please?” Lawrence tried again. Amanda didn’t want to lie down beside him. Not after what just happened. But Lawrence looked too beautiful to resist and he emphasized on the word “need” which made Amanda’s breath hitch. She just wanted to be held in his arms, she _needed_ to be held in his arms the way she held the plastic bag in her memory.

So was the dove really _hope_ or was it actually _her_?

Before she could stop herself, her feet moved in their own accord, walking towards the bed in where Amanda found herself slipping back under the covers, the blanket fabric rough on her thighs along with the softness of Lawrence’s large shirt. Lawrence then puts his arms around Amanda and brought her closer to him, her head against his chest.

“Let’s just talk about this in the morning, okay?” Lawrence suggested. His left hand rubbing small circles on Amanda’s waist through the blanket.

Amanda gave him a soft nod. She pressed herself deeper into his chest and she could finally hear the staccato beating of his heart. She did not want to open her mouth to reply. Amanda was afraid that her voice would drown out the only sound she had been waiting to hear for the whole evening. His heartbeat. It sounded like the steady flapping wings of a bird. The dove. Or at least that’s what Amanda thought it would sound like.

As Amanda stared at the shadows on the wall, she thought of how she had yet to hold a real dove in her hands. But at that moment, even if the thought of this comfort being temporary killed her, being the one held in Lawrence’s arms was more than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> woah that was fast paced... as u can tell im a bad writer JSAHDSADJSADJ thx 4 reading owo akasjkd


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